god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize