this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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