I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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