i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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