Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize