i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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