I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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