$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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