I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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