Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
