I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I would ride that face into the sunset
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
