...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
