he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
don't judge my taste in strippers
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Randomize
