Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
