Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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