Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize