Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
