i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just want to make out with him forever
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize