just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
