The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
