i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
