i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
