mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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