So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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