i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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