Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
