just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize