Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
