Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How does it feel to date your dad?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
