Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Randomize
