I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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