I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
