So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
