There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
