I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i barfeds in our rink
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
