hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
