lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
