I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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