you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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