She is in my trunk
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
