I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
