you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
