I can tuck mytits in my pants
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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