8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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