If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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