well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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