I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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