I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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