She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
