Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
