Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
