Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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