does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize