I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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