I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
