between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
