that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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