I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
