here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
